Yesterday was a cookie dough kind of day.
The thing about a parent losing their job and being unemployed is that the stress of a parent losing their job and being unemployed never goes away. It stays with you like a stain on your favorite shirt. You look in the mirror, trying not to concentrate on that one spot on your entire outfit, but it’s still there and you do notice it, even though the logical part of your brain reassures you that it’s fine, you still look great, no one can even see it. If you try to cover it up, you end up twitching all day to make sure the covering is securely in place lest the stain reveal itself. Or, you might decide “the hell with it” and just wear the shirt as is, stain and all, with your head held high, staying strong in your conviction that “who cares?”.
But you care. Because that stain is still there. No matter how distracted you might be, or how otherwise self-confident you are, when you look in the mirror your eyes will instinctively go towards that stain.
The “stain” was more visible yesterday. I found $2 in the Computer Lab by where a boy had been sitting. I asked him if he had dropped money. He paused, turning red, and hesitantly answered “Probably.” I gave him the money, and as he was leaving the room I heard him say to one of his friends “I didn’t drop any money.”
Well, I over-reacted. I reported the incident to the teacher who immediately went to get to the bottom of the issue. As I stayed with the next class who was waiting to begin, I felt embarrassed, vulnerable, and raw that I had over-reacted. I don’t like anyone taking advantage of my kindness, but when it involves money I am more sensitive, especially given what’s happened recently with my dad.
I felt like Kristen Wiig’s character in “Bridesmaids” when she’s working at a jewelry store and a teenager comes in asking for a friendship bracelet for her best friend’s birthday, and Kristen Wiig’s character starts grilling the girl, taking out her own friendship frustrations on the girl.
And so, yesterday was a cookie dough kind of day. The type of day where your life feels raw with the hard chocolate chips not evenly dispersed throughout the dough. And all you can do is savor the sweetness while seeing what a mess it makes on your hands, telling yourself that one day the dough will get baked.