Yesterday, we sat outside looking at the water. I listened to the waves crash against the rocks, the salt air captivating my senses. I looked at the blue water beating against the hard rocks, and I found myself resigned to the reality that my life is not how I imagined it would be at this point, nor will it probably turn out how I continue to imagine it will be in the future.
On Friday, I go apartment hunting in New Hampshire. I have four potential apartments lined up to look at, all of which meet my two main requirements (washer/dryer hookups and pet friendly). Still, I thought circumstances would be different when the time came to look at my own place. Without rehashing a post I already blogged, I not only thought I would be at a different place in my life when I moved out, I also thought financially I would be at a different place as well.
I have undergraduate student loans, and now I will be taking out graduate student loans. When I reached the point of about to start graduate school, somehow, magically I guess is the best term to describe it, I envisioned a means would appear that would at least allow me to pay off the remainder of my undergrad loans.
That hasn’t happened.
And I know that I have enough common sense as well as financial sense to make sure that I will be alright in the end. It’s just that lingering sense that things should be different, that my vision should be a reality.
I accept defeat. I accept that it’s no use trying to mold my life to fit an image I have in my head because the Universe has its own vision of how my life will be. I accept that The Powers That Be, to use an Angel reference, have a plan as well, and that plan is the one that will ultimately unfold.
I’m not giving up on my dreams or my ambitions. I’m not giving into self-pity. I’m giving myself peace.