Tomorrow is the start of classes for students. My students. The 24 students who are signed up to take my class where I am listed as the Instructor. Tomorrow is also the start of classes for myself as well since I am a student as well as an Instructor.
Yeah, I am trying really hard not to freak the freak out right now.
Everything right now is a hazy, abstract image characterized by fluctuating swirls of constants. I know what I have planned for my students tomorrow. I know what my homework is for my classes. I know when my assignments are due. Yet, what I know keeps being shuffled around by what I feel. I feel nervous, confident, insecure, inauthentic, knowledgable, and experienced all at once. Mingled with those constants I listed, and I am somewhere between being grounded in the reality of my situation and gasping for oxygen at the high altitude of the mountain of my current anxiety.
What’s keeping me from totally freaking the freak out? Fear.
I know, pretty weird answer to give. But fear is something that can be controlled. It’s something that must be understood in order to dissect its electric tendrils, examining the triggers so as to formulate a way to respond to them and their aftermath.
And so fear is what is keeping me from totally freaking the freak out. More specifically, my understanding of my fear. Fear of failure is one of my biggest fears I carry; tomorrow’s situation is exacerbating that fear. Yet, what’s keeping me from being paralyzed by this fear is my experience with this particular type of fear. Heck, I’ve been dealt some crappy cards in my life, and sometimes I’ve made crappy decisions with those cards. But whatever happened, I made it through to the next level.
“There has yet to be a problem that has ended the world.” That’s what I tell students and others when talking about school related anxieties. It’s not just the world, however; the same applies to my world. I keep moving forward, through the fears, anxieties, and pressures I face. Because that’s all any one of us can do.