Summer Writing and Realizations

I feel guilty because I haven’t done much writing this summer (or, err, well, in a while, shall we say). Between finishing and graduating from my M.A. program, moving, finding a job, getting ready to move again, and trying to relax a little, I have not been keeping up with my writing. I have, however, still done some writing and with the summer slowly coming to a close, I figured I would share some of it. So here is my summer realization (one of many):

I realized that I do not regret being single.

I made a list of names of the guys I’ve dated. Then I made a list of names of the guys I’ve been in relationships with. I looked t the lists, and I asked myself, “Is there a name on either list that I regret no longer having in my life? Someone I would be willing to give another shot to?”

The answer to both questions was a firm “No.”

The answer resulted from examining each name, recalling the individual, and assessing how things ended with them. One propositioned me in Boston Common for a friends with benefits relationship and upon rejection of said proposition, promptly left me to walk through the Common to the Park Street Station by myself – at night (this was before Pokemon Go came on the scene and groups of people trying to catch Pokemon made the Common slightly more safe). Another informed me that anything we started would have an “expiration date” of September when my graduate program resumed.

Then there was the one who texted me five months after our first date to ask me out again. He didn’t explain the time lapse or why he would not return texts I sent him, attempting to maintain communication. I tried to give him another chance. I told him I’d be open to some of the dates he asked me on, only to realize those dates would entail me making most of the effort and travel. I declined said dates, citing inconvenient commutes. The more accurate truth was that I was inconvenienced by his insistence on his convenience. Despite telling me that he was looking for something that lasts, I began to see that a relationship with him would only last if I were willing to accommodate him without room for me.

I realized that I was fine with not hearing from him again, that I would instead be perfectly content by myself. It was the summer, and I was single. I had my books, the beach, and my best friends if I needed company. No boys needed.

Project Thankful: Reason #79

Last night, I had another wedding dream.  One where I’m engaged and about to be married, but then I notice something is wrong and I realize I can’t get married.  Trust me, these wedding dreams are a lot worse than that one sentence might make them seem to be.  

I’m not married.  I’m not engaged.  Heck, I’m not even seeing someone.  Yet I still have these wedding dreams.  I’ve had enough of them that I’ve done dream analyses on each of them.  Today, as I look back on last night’s dream, I realized something: I’m good with being single.  Sure, I’d like to meet that special someone, but I’m not in a rush to get married.  Those points in the dreams where I determine that I can’t get married, that I’m not ready to get married are there because in the dreams I’m not marrying an actual person; the figure is there, but I never see their face.  So until I meet that person who I do want to have in my life long-term, who I can see myself marrying, then I can’t get married because if these dreams are telling me anything, it’s that whatever pressures I feel pushing me to get married, to settle down, are not enough to make me say “I do” in the dreams.

I believe there is no such thing as a bad dream.  A dream is there to tell us something about our life we would otherwise not think about.

Project Thankful: Reason #51

Spring is officially two months away.  Valentine’s Day is less than one month away.  In years past, I would look on these facts along with the fact that I am currently single with some longing to no longer be single.  This year, however, I do not feel that longing.  I’m okay with the current facts.

I would rather be single than be in a filler relationship.  What’s a filler relationship?  A relationship you enter into because you simply do not want to be single anymore.  Because you’re committed to not being single, you create a sort of false image of the other person in your mind, making them seem better than they probably are.  Eventually this illusion wears off, and the damage the filler relationship leaves you with is you feeling more empty and forlorn than you ever did when you were single.

I actually do not like the word “single” when referring to a person’s relationship status because you are always in a relationship with yourself.  So for right now, I’m going to focus on that relationship.  As I tell my students when they ask if I have a boyfriend, “No, I’m focusing on me right now.”