Summer Writing and Realizations

I feel guilty because I haven’t done much writing this summer (or, err, well, in a while, shall we say). Between finishing and graduating from my M.A. program, moving, finding a job, getting ready to move again, and trying to relax a little, I have not been keeping up with my writing. I have, however, still done some writing and with the summer slowly coming to a close, I figured I would share some of it. So here is my summer realization (one of many):

I realized that I do not regret being single.

I made a list of names of the guys I’ve dated. Then I made a list of names of the guys I’ve been in relationships with. I looked t the lists, and I asked myself, “Is there a name on either list that I regret no longer having in my life? Someone I would be willing to give another shot to?”

The answer to both questions was a firm “No.”

The answer resulted from examining each name, recalling the individual, and assessing how things ended with them. One propositioned me in Boston Common for a friends with benefits relationship and upon rejection of said proposition, promptly left me to walk through the Common to the Park Street Station by myself – at night (this was before Pokemon Go came on the scene and groups of people trying to catch Pokemon made the Common slightly more safe). Another informed me that anything we started would have an “expiration date” of September when my graduate program resumed.

Then there was the one who texted me five months after our first date to ask me out again. He didn’t explain the time lapse or why he would not return texts I sent him, attempting to maintain communication. I tried to give him another chance. I told him I’d be open to some of the dates he asked me on, only to realize those dates would entail me making most of the effort and travel. I declined said dates, citing inconvenient commutes. The more accurate truth was that I was inconvenienced by his insistence on his convenience. Despite telling me that he was looking for something that lasts, I began to see that a relationship with him would only last if I were willing to accommodate him without room for me.

I realized that I was fine with not hearing from him again, that I would instead be perfectly content by myself. It was the summer, and I was single. I had my books, the beach, and my best friends if I needed company. No boys needed.

Project Thankful: Reason #222

And…I’m moved in!

When I was considering which graduate school to go to, moving was a consideration.  I knew it would be costly to move, but I had no realistic idea of just how costly moving is.  I also knew that expenses incurred going to a school which required me to move away from home would also be a consideration.

Yet, here I am.  Living away from home, on my own.  As I write this, I am sitting in my living room.  My living room.

I’m thankful I made the decision to move.  I needed this; not just for my career, but for my personal health as well.  It’s time to focus on me.

Project Thankful: Reason #219

As much as I’m going to miss my family, I’m thankful to be moving out. It’s time. Crazy, chaotic, and at times overwhelming, moving out feels right. It feels like I’m where Life wants me to be.

Usually when I have these moments of “I’m at one with the Universe,” it means change is coming. Which in this case, seems pretty obvious. I’m about to start graduate school as well as teach, not to mention moving to a different state. But the change that usually comes with these very meditative moments is the type of change that causes me a have giant light bulbs go on over my head.

These are the moments when inspiration hits.

Project Thankful: Reason #195

I’m back!

Yesterday, I went up to New Hampshire to look at potential apartments.  We were early to the first showing.  As in, an hour and a half early.  In lieu of waiting in the parking lot for 90 minutes, we decided to head downtown.  Which turned out to be a 3 minute drive from the first apartment.

When I met with current grad students at the college, they mentioned the town where the first apartment was located is more “urban” than some of the other neighboring towns and cities.  Growing up south of Boston, my idea of what constitutes urban is very different.  The town itself was quiet, featuring a river that runs through it and being surrounded by trees.  In fact, the first apartment I looked at was encased in trees on all sides of the building.

Later that day, we looked at an apartment complex that I fell in love with from the website.  In person, the apartment complex was not so enchanting.  The apartment style was urban, industrial.  It was too stark for my taste.  By the afternoon, we headed back to the first apartment we looked at, and I filled out an application (fingers crossed!).

Most of my friends would not consider me a country, outdoorsy type of person.  I do not camp, nor do I feel a desire to do so.  I hate bugs with a fiery passion so intense that I once broke a kitchen window killing a fly (true story).  I could not live without air conditioning.  Deep Woods Off is my bug spray of choice, no matter the setting.  So for me to favor an apartment that is the most woodsy of the ones of the I saw may seem out of character.  

Yet when I walked into that first apartment and saw the view of the trees from the deck out back, I knew I had I found my apartment.  See, as much as I may hate bugs, I love nature.  To be in nature is to be open with one’s soul.  Nature is the ultimate inspiration, the primordial imagination one draws from, or in some cases, draws.  

Now, I’m just waiting to hear whether my application has been approved or not.  Fingers crossed!

 

Project Thankful: Reason #189: Declaring Defeat

Yesterday, we sat outside looking at the water.  I listened to the waves crash against the rocks, the salt air captivating my senses.  I looked at the blue water beating against the hard rocks, and I found myself resigned to the reality that my life is not how I imagined it would be at this point, nor will it probably turn out how I continue to imagine it will be in the future.

On Friday, I go apartment hunting in New Hampshire.  I have four potential apartments lined up to look at, all of which meet my two main requirements (washer/dryer hookups and pet friendly).  Still, I thought circumstances would be different when the time came to look at my own place.  Without rehashing a post I already blogged, I not only thought I would be at a different place in my life when I moved out, I also thought financially I would be at a different place as well.

I have undergraduate student loans, and now I will be taking out graduate student loans.  When I reached the point of about to start graduate school, somehow, magically I guess is the best term to describe it, I envisioned a means would appear that would at least allow me to pay off the remainder of my undergrad loans.  

That hasn’t happened.

And I know that I have enough common sense as well as financial sense to make sure that I will be alright in the end.  It’s just that lingering sense that things should be different, that my vision should be a reality.

I accept defeat.  I accept that it’s no use trying to mold my life to fit an image I have in my head because the Universe has its own vision of how my life will be.  I accept that The Powers That Be, to use an Angel reference, have a plan as well, and that plan is the one that will ultimately unfold.

I’m not giving up on my dreams or my ambitions.  I’m not giving into self-pity.  I’m giving myself peace.

Project Thankful: Reason #187

A week from today I go up to New Hampshire to look at potential apartments.  It didn’t really hit me before now that I really am moving.  Soon.

When I used to think about what it would be like when I finally moved, I didn’t think it would be like this.  I thought I would be at a different point in my life.  To be honest, I thought I would move when I found that special someone and we became engaged.  I didn’t think I would ever move when I’m single or move to attend grad school.  I always thought I was bound to Boston in a way, having grown up in the Boston area all my life.  As an undergrad, I commuted from home.  Although I applied to non-Boston area schools for grad school, in the back of my mind I always thought I would attend a Boston area school for grad school and live at home, again commuting to school.

I’m the type of person who has a tendency to plan their life, and usually what happens is that my life basically goes in a direction I did not plan.  I like to think of it as the Universe’s way of reminding me that I can not control everything and that what I view as the best plan is not what’s actually best.

When I graduated from college, my plan was to get a job that was just a paycheck while I focused on my writing career, which back then I thought was going to take off almost immediately.  I also thought I was ready to be in a relationship with a person I could see myself settling down with.

What ended up happening was I quickly realized the realities of how hard the economy is, especially to college graduates, and that the publishing industry was as harsh after college as it was when I was in college.  As far as my love life went, I did meet a guy who I thought I could see myself settling down with one day; unfortunately, he turned out to be the type who says all the right things, but doesn’t follow through on them.

I’m thankful my life didn’t turn out the way I planned it because if it had I would have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities and would have ultimately ended up being unhappy.  As I move forward, I am eager to see which direction my life takes me.  For the present, that direction is New Hampshire.

Project Thankful: Reason #173

When I’m cleaning out my room to prepare for the move, I think, “I have a lot of stuff” and feel overwhelmed.  But I decided something: I’m a collector.  Specifically, I am a collector of Disney souvenirs.  

Over the years, Disney appears to have changed their artwork style on their souvenirs.  When I was younger, we used to go to Disney World almost every year.  As you can imagine, that’s a lot of souvenirs and a lot of different artwork styles.

If I’m going to collect anything, I’m glad it’s Disney related.  For me, Disney is something I associate with my family, and being surrounded by pieces that remind me of my family, well, that’s something I’m willing to make room for in my new place.